Excuse me, I need a few more buckets of cheese and I’m out of your way. what is it This? Oh, and my three-month-old daughter who I sometimes strap to my chest while I run errands. Yes. Yes I know. I’m surprised.
No. Mother was at home. Maybe taking care of our other kids, sleeping, icing her nipples – you know moms, always doing mom things.
But me, I’m shopping at Costco, snuggled up with a baby on my chest, and wow, isn’t our super cute shit together? I mean, how many dads take responsibility for their child when it comes to buying essential household items? How many dads have to change diapers in public? How many dads can use a baby carrier without getting caught in their penis straps? Not much.
A selfie? With me and my daughter? Damn… why not?!
Hey, maybe that mom is there with two young kids with a baby strapped to her chest to take pictures for us. I know, I don’t notice her either.
Wait a second. Didn’t she bother putting on her makeup this morning? Does she look at the shopping list on her phone while she lets her kids behave in public? Are those mineral bananas in her cart? Infamous.
We better not bother her, she makes this parenting thing so hard. Not me though. I tie both my shoes and see if my baby is still alive. What more could you ask of a father?
More selfies? Can’t stop now! Line patterns on the right, mob. Yes, towards Raisin Bran.
Oh, easy Costco shoppers. I’m just a regular guy who likes to buy cheap chicken, eighty-inch televisions, and eight-day Caribbean cruises at the same store. Just because I’m hugging a sleeping ten pounder doesn’t mean I’m like, wait a second, I gave my baby a kiss on the top of her furry little head? Did you heave a sigh of relief when you grabbed a five-pound tube of breakfast sausage? you tell!
Damn, looks like mom is finally going for the rotisserie chicken. Hurry, slow her down with unsolicited advice so I can win her over to that delicious bird!
Yes, I can push my cart against traffic! I am a father with a baby at the breast!
Oh, shut up. What was I saying? Oh, I’m not a superhero. I’m your average parent who puts her baby carrier on one strap at a time like everyone else. The only difference is that if I drop my baby in the front, I immediately violate the low expectations that Costco shoppers have of a father, and bam – I’m the best dad in the universe!
Well, look at the time. I better cut to the front of the checkout line and take this baby home. Let me tell you, I love the way you admire me and kill a few minutes while those selfies are printed. How about we roast a chicken, and I’ll tell you about the time I rearranged my entire day to take my oldest son to a regularly scheduled dental checkup.
No? Slice of pizza and a potty training story?
Not even a coil?
I get it – sometimes I can be overwhelming.